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Fake death – real life

July 8, 2009

I’ve never really been one for routine. I get bored quickly and I’ve always had too many things to do or people to see in too short a period of time to feel entirely comfortable committing to long set periods. The only major exceptions to that in recent years have been church and role-playing.

As my (as yet unconfirmed) departure date draws ever closer, naturally enough I find myself becoming increasingly aware of just how my life is going to change – by what order of magnitude.

Last Sunday was my last official gaming session. My character died. This was not unexpected. She died in a suitably heroic fasion, valient and worthy – and almost certainly helping to save the world.

The thing that’s struck me most about it is the way in which her ‘death’ has brought home to me the extent of what I’m doing. That’s not to say I decided to do this lightly – there was a lot of thought and prayer involved. I’ve been half-jokingly telling people that “I’m throwing my life up in the air and I’ll see where it comes down.” They laugh along with me and say things like “You do right.” (I live in Yorkshire remember.)

But I don’t think I’d really understood the cold hard truths of what I’m about to do. I really am walking out of a job, in a contracting sector in a hostile ecconomic climate. I really am upping sticks and moving 3,000 miles away from my family and all my friends, all the things, people and, dare I confess it, routines that I love, to live and work in a different culture. I really am only doing it for 12 months, just long enough to start to get a handle on it and then I’ll be coming ‘home’ again. And I really am doing it soon. Very soon.

Suddenly, for the first time ever I think, the thought of having nothing set in my diary is a little daunting…

I’m more excited than I am aprehensive (although the thought of all the paperwork and packing I have to do before I go is scary!). I don’t know how often in life one is aware of standing on the edge of a turning point, but from where I’m standing it’s a pretty keen edge. My future is what I make it. I’ve come to this point through a succession of decisions – big and small. Looking back I can see the chain, looking forward I can see potential new paths, almost laying down at the speed of thought. It’s exciting. It’s how I know I’m living my life, rather than just getting through it.

So what about you? Are you living your life?

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